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Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight! If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner. To discover more amazing secrets about living your best life, click here to follow us on Instagram!

When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, “Looks like you blew a seal.” “No,” the penguin insists, “it’s just ice cream.” If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. " The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business". " The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. ” She says, “A hundred dollars.” He says, “All I got is thirty”. ”A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. She spent 00 and felt really good about the results.

if you don't like being on the phone we can't have a good time with our clothes on. If you have more dick in your personality than you have in your pants if you're shorter than me if your morning breath is the same as your afternoon, evening, and bedtime breath! if you don't keep yourself groomed, and take my advice when I try to help you stay looking fresh. if you bring dogs on dates, and your dog misbehaves. if you kiss me, touch me or have sex with me and don't have my consent.

if we have nothing in common you're a 1 minute man. You hurt me before, I'm not letting you hurt me again. if you aren't funny you don't know the difference between 'your' and 'you're'. you have more mood swings in one day than me on pms. you don't know the simple difference between "there", "their", & "they're". if u have a hobo beard you are constantly talking about yourself. if you're not gonna take shit seriously If youve got 6 toes on one foot or hand unless U can see past all my flaws if your mother's retarded, insane, or a fucking lunatic. if u don't like my mommy and my mommy don't like you, sorry family comes first if burgers and fries are more important than staying in shape unless you respect my boundaries!

It’s the same adrenaline rush you get from riding a roller coaster. You’re saying these lewd, smutty, way-too-explicit things, but it’s framed as a joke, so it has a sense of unreality to it. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.” “I don’t understand, doc,” the patient says. When he’s standing next to your girlfriend and telling her that her hair smells nice.

You scream with terror even though you know you’re perfectly safe. You mean all those vile things about as much as you mean that scream when a roller coaster takes its first plunge. He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.

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